Last night Rick didn't want to get into the car with me to come home from church. After we finally got him in the car and on the way home he said, “I don't want to go home.” (Reminds me of my grandchildren who never want to go home either. :o) I think he thought we were going to go out to eat with Jay and Della, a couple from our church who are going to Belize as missionaries. Della did say to me to call them some time during the week and we would go to supper. I think he thought it was for last night.

When we got home he was very agitated. I had to do something for work when I got home. I was at my desk and on the phone maybe 5-10 minutes. When I got that done, I went looking for him. He was outside the fence. I don't know how he got there since I’ve pad locked the gates. He must have climbed over it. He was walking toward the road, so we walked a little bit. Kasee, our dog, came out of the fence with us, some where other than the gate. So just a little way down the road, I told Rick we needed to get Kasee back in the fence. So that helped me get him back into the house.

When we got back in the house I locked all the dead bolts. Now he can't get out of the house, unless he goes out the doors in the bedroom and office onto the front porch. I don’t think he thinks about those doors.

He was very agitated with me saying I was pushing him around. I went to work cleaning the laundry room and sweeping the garage out. He paced back and forth for a while and then finally calmed down and sat on the steps. When I was finished he came upstairs and sat on the couch. I asked him if he was ready to go to bed and he said yes. So I took him into the bedroom and after a shower he went right to bed.

He was so with it in the morning during church. He paid attention to everything Jay and Della said, talking about wanting to go too.

This morning Rick woke up in a fairly good mood. He dressed himself pretty much. I had to help him with his pants. While I was combing his hair, he started shaking his legs. I asked him what he was nervous about. He said, “I’m jittery because…” That is all he could say. We went out to eat breakfast. I decided to give him his Xanax right away to see if it would stop his anxiety. He sat down to the table without resistance. He ate most of his cereal. I gave him his pills. He took one and tried to swallow it. I thought he had swallowed it. He is getting good at faking it..

He got more and more agitated as I tried to get him to swallow his pills and finish his juice. The juice has protein in it so I felt it was important for him to finish it. It got so that every time I came near Rick he would walk away from me. If I tried to offer him some more juice he would push my hand away. Once he grabbed my wrist and walked around the kitchen, living room and dining room. Erin tried to get him to stop but he didn’t. After a short time he let go of me. He didn’t hurt me at all.

We went into the bathroom to brush our teeth. He took the tooth brush and started brushing but then walked out of the bathroom. I went to bring him back and he just pulled away from me. Erin tried to get him to come back and he wouldn’t. I finished brushing my teeth and went out to the kitchen. I got his tooth brush from him but he would spit out the tooth paste. The more I tried to get him to spit, the more he pulled away from me. Finally he did spit it out.

Then it was time to go to the Center. We decided he should sit in the back seat of Erin’s car, so that he wouldn’t try to open the door while they were riding. But he wouldn’t get in. He said, “I want to go to the church – right now!” So I said ok. We will go to the church. (Just to get him in the car.) I had to go get ready to leave the house. Then when I was ready, I said, “Are you ready to go?” He said, “I’m not going anywhere with you.” We went down to the cars and I gave him a choice which car he wanted to ride in and he chose mine. Erin decided to follow me to the Center.

Rick rode quietly in the car and didn’t try to open the door, for which I was thankful. He did say to me, “Your hijacking me!” I said, “No I’m not. I just taking you to work.” Later he said, “I thought I could trust you.” and "I've always been claustrophobic."

When we got to the center, he got out of the car and walked right in. At the front desk they asked him, “How are you this morning ,Rick?” He said, “I’m not a happy camper!” But walked back with Debbie without resistance.

Rick is at the point where we are beginning to think about nursing homes. This is a very hard thing for me. He has been afraid of being put in a home or "put away" as he would say. I've told him that he would stay with me "till death do us part." But it looks as though that is not going to be the case. I sure didn't think it would be so soon.

I don't want to put him in a home. He likes going to church and being with the church people. He likes to sing on the praise and worship team. He likes to go places. This has been a very teary day for me. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I'm not the crying type, but it has come very easily today.

We are looking into respite care for him while I have to be out of town in September and November. I have called Chris Pettygrew, our friend who works at the VA. He said that he was going to get me in touch with someone who would help me apply for service related disability. He gave me hope that Rick would qualify. I sure am thankful for all the people God has put in our path who are helping us with these details.

I have the opportunity to go on a cruise in November. My brother in law works for a Christian cruise company and are able to get a good deal on a "Girls Get Away". I'm so excited. I have always wanted to go on a cruise. Of course, I always wanted to do it with Rick. But this time it will be with my sister and her family and Erin. I already feel the need for this "Girl" to "Get Away."