Dad's decisions

Tonight, Cade and Jeremy were mowing the lawn at Mom and Dad's house, the girls played in the pool, and I talked with Dad. He was fretting about a big decision between two options (alternatively called two applications), but he was never able to tell me what the options were. He was very upset about not being able to make a decision, worried about making the wrong decision, and so forth.

At one point, he asked me how long I've been in. I asked if he meant just tonight, and he said in general. I said for a while. I asked if he knew me and my name and he said he thought so, but he couldn't tell me, so I told him. He seems a bit surprised that I was Tamara, his daughter. Just a bit after that, Cade walked through the room. He said, "that's who was on her mind." I said, "You know who that is? That's Cade?" And he nodded. I said, "And you know he goes with me," (b/c he had been pointing back and forth between us), and he nodded. I said, "see, you did well. You remembered Cade."And Dad seemed very proud of his accomplishment.

Later he told me about being in function and out of function and said he knows the difference. He said, "When I'm in function, I'm able to do. When I'm out of function, I'm just..." I asked if he was in function then and he said he was. I asked if he knew the difference and he said he believes so. I hope that's not the truth. Being able to know and recognize that you're breaking with reality, but not able to stop that break, or mend it, would be awful.

After at least an hour (probably longer) of this back and forth worry about a decision, we went for a second walk, which didn't actually go any further than the drive way. I said, "Dad, do you want to hear my take on it? I know you're worried about these choices you have to make, and you don't even really know what your choices are." (He agreed with me.) "Well, you don't have to worry anymore because there is no big decision to make. All these things get decided for you now. You don't have to be the one to decide. All you have to do is keep on with what you're doing and these steps will be ordered for you, one day at a time."

I just love to see his face relax when he decides to let some worry go. He said, "You know what? You're a big help to me. I feel so much better! So let me get this right, if I make a decision, and you make it for me, then I don't have to make the decision because it's already been made."

I reiterated that he doesn't have to make any decision at all, except to just take it one day at a time and keep doing what he's doing. We went back inside and shared with the others and his face was just so content and the exact opposite of his worrying all evening long.

Funny, though, that his worries about big decisions come up at just the time when we are also worried about making big decision on his behalf. I didn't lie, you know, when I said these things would be decided for him. He just didn't know what I meant.