Sunday, January 29, 2005

Well, I found out that regular coffee at night is not a good idea. Last night at the party Rick wanted coffee with his dessert. So I went to get some and all they had was regular. I figured Rick usually slept well so I wouldn't worry about the caffine. He didn't even drink the whole cup. But last night he didn't sleep well. He was up several times through out the night. He woke up even before I got to bed and was pulling up the covers on the bed. Remind me to never give Rick regular coffee in the evening again!

Today was church. Rick does so well at church. He sings on the praise and worship team in front of the congregation. He seems to get all of the words to the songs. The worship leaders are very patient with him and get his music together for him. Then we sit down for the sermon. Rick usually gets bored and slouches over in his seat with his chin on his chest and seems to go to sleep. He actually did go to sleep this morning, and his hand fell causing him to wake up suddenly. He looked over at the person sitting next to him and grinned sheepishly. Then I saw his foot moving and his arms were trembling. I think it embarressed him.

Tonight we went to Erin's church. The speaker was rather boring but Rick seemed to be interested in his entire 45 min sermon. He didn't go to sleep at all. During the praise and worship time there was altar ministry and the pastor anointed Rick with oil and prayed for him. Praise the Lord. He also anointed me and prayed for me. He prophesied saying, "It isn't over yet!" I believe he is saying Rick's and my ministry isn't finished yet. That God still has a plan for our lives. Praise the Lord!!! I am still believing for Rick's total and complete recovery.

Rick has been going to bed at 9:00 pm every evening. And he sleeps until about 6:30 am the next morning. It used to be we would watch the 9:00 movie on the Hallmark channel together. Now I am watching it by myself. Well, tonight when we got home we watched "The River Is Wide", a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. It was a very good movie. Rick watched it all the way through with me and when it was over he exclaimed, "That was very good!" I'm glad he was able to enjoy it with me.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

This morning we took our weekly trip to the barber for Rick's beard trim. I realized that it has been a blessing that Rick has a beard. A once a week trim does him very well. The barber we have been using is very meticulous in trimming his beard and shaves his neck with a straight raiser. As I sat watching him work on Rick, I realized what a blessing it is to have him do this. Rick doesn't seem to remember how to shave anymore. The last time he tried, he took the safety raiser to his beard and gouged out portions of it. Thank you, Tamara, for the idea to take Dad to the barber weekly.

Our Sunday School class had to cancel our Christmas party in December for various reasons. So tonight was the make up date. We all met at the teachers home bringing various items of food with us. We had a wonderful meal and then we had some time singing and devotions and prayer. When the piano started playing, Rick stood up beside it and led everyone in singing, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus." He sang every word without hesitation. When we stopped singing, Rick took the lead and said, "You know? That is so true! It is so good to be in this family." He was so alert through the entire lesson (which wasn't very long) with tears coming out of his eyes. He was very in tune with the Spirit of God that was present in that room. Then after prayer he was laughing at the jokes that were being made - very much a part of the conversation, although he wasn't talking. He comes alive in the presence of our God. Thank you Lord!

Dad at Christmas

Another picture that shows off how young looking Dad really is. Look at his eyes on Christmas Day, so clear and aware. It was a good day, I think. 

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Today, being Thursday, is Rick's day at home. We took Kasee into the Vet to be spayed. When we got to the vet I heard Rick say to Kasee, "I hate this." Then I realized that he was thinking about the last visit to the vet with Erin's dog, Blaize. We had to have Blaize put down and it was a very hard time for Rick and Erin. So I then explained to Rick again what we were taking Kasee to the vet for. I told him she was going to have surgery and we would be bringing her home this afternoon. It seemed to sink in then and I saw him relax.

After it got warmer, we went out to put stakes in the fence so Kasee won't get out. Kasee crawls out under the chain linked fence. This was a good exercise for Rick. I would decide where the stake needed to be and Rick would hammer it into the ground catching the fence and holding it in place. Then we came in and ate.

After watching Diagnosis Murder, I asked Rick if he would like to go rake in the yard. There are plenty of leaves to rake. He doesn't acomplish much but it gives him something to do. He had been out there only a short time, maybe 10 min and he came back in the house. I am trying to get him to keep his outdoor shoes in the basement and change into his slippers for the house. So I went to be sure he had changed. He hadn't. I asked him if he was finished out in the yard. He said "Maybe, maybe not." I had a hold of his arm and he said, "Please let go of my arm." I did. He couldn't tell me what he wanted to do. I knew he was upset with me and I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong. He would say, "I'm not going to be somebody's...." And that is as far as he could get. I kept asking him what he wanted to say, but he couldn't get past, "I'm not going to be somebody's..." Then finally he said, "I'll do...." and that is all he would say. Finally he just went down stairs and back out side.

I know it is frustrating for him that he can't say what he is thinking becuase it sure is frustrating for me that he can't. We can't have a normal conversation much less a normal arguement. :0) :0(

We brought Kasee home today about 4:00 pm. She would just barely move. We had to pull her to get her to go anywhere. We had to pick her up to get her in the car. And then pull her out of the car when we got home. Her eyes are very blood shot. We left her down stairs in the garage on her pallet thinking she wouldn't want to walk upstairs. When we went back down to check on her she was up in Rick's dad's arm chair. So she could move if she wanted to. After supper we went down to give her her pain pill and see if she wanted to go out. She didn't want to move. So I got some water for her and left. We checked in just a few minutes and she was up on her feet, had drunk some water and went out side for us. She did her necessary business and came back in. This time I put a sheet over the easy chair so it would be protected. She is down for the night now.

It is about time for Walker, Texas Ranger, to come on the Hallmark channell. I guess I will go watch that with Rick.

Rick sitting in his favorite chair in our living room. 

Counting my blessings

This morning Rick said, "I wonder when they are going to give me my license back." This is the first he's mentioned driving in quite a while. I told him the doctor said he shouldn't drive. He didn't make any comment.

He seems to be shaky much of the time. I'm not sure if it is an inner tremor from anxiety or what. When I ask him if he is anxious or nervous, he says no.

Basically he is very easy to take care of. He doesn't resist what we want him to do. He comes and goes as we ask him to. When I go to the support group, I hear about other Alzheimer patients who won't sleep, won't go out, and just refuse to do what the caregiver asks them to do. That is when I realize how blessed I am. Even though he wants to be with me all the time and seems to follow me around, he is really easy to care for.

He loves to be in church. He is very comfortable there and doesn't have to be at my side all the time. I have to direct him when it is time to go to Sunday School, or back to the sanctuary, but basically he is comfortable to go talk to the different people at church without me. He knows he is loved and respected there. He seems to be able to talk better to them than to me.

He loves to sing. He still sings on the praise and worship team. And he remembers his words and they come out just fine. He likes to have the words in front of him but if the song is one he has known for years he doesn't need the written words.

I wish he could be at the church with the people every day. That is what I originally wanted when we moved to Kernersville. I wanted him to be involved with the visitation and prayer ministry. But that didn't happen.

I believe that the Senior Center is the next best thing. He goes in there and ministers to the other people there. He believes it is his job and he tries to help the people. There are days he comes home saying he has been able to examine a patient and is very excited about it.

Thank you again for your love and prayers. God is good and faithful and gives strength as needed.

Rick at Disney World Dec 2005 

Welcome to our blog

Well, Tamara has set up this blog for me and the family to post information about what is happening with Rick. Thank you, Tamara, for your help with this.

I am Joyce, 1st and favorite wife of Rick, mother to Cheryl, Tamara and Erin. I am the primary caregiver to Rick.

This blog is to allow all our friends and relatives to know how Rick is doing without having to repeat it over and over. Also, it is a place that I and or the girls, can vent our feelings. I pray that it will be a link that you can use to keep us in prayer.

You can respond to our postings any time you want to under the comment section.

We love you and are so blessed by your love and friendship. We praise God for you daily.

Joyce: January 19, 2006

Today was meltdown day. I’m not sure what set Rick off this morning. At breakfast he seemed just fine. Then I turned the TV on to the Hallmark channel for him to watch while I was working. The Walton’s was on.

When it was time to go, I was helping him get his coat on and I could tell he was pensive. I asked him if he was nervous or uptight and he said no. But I gave him a Xanax anyway. We were on our way to sign POA papers and then to an appt with Dr. Pearce, Neurologist.

We had tried to get the POA papers done last night but there wasn’t a Notary available at the bank. So we went back today. On the way, Rick became very teary and asked me what was planned for him today. I again explained our plan. I could tell that he wasn’t hearing what I was saying. The closer to the bank the more upset he became. When we got there, I parked the car and tried to calm him down. We quoted scripture, but it seemed to go in one ear and out the next. I asked him if he thought he could sign his name. He said yes. I explained to him that the papers were to allow Cheryl to handle our finances. I asked him again if he thought he could sign his name. He again said yes. So we went in to try.

The notary was working the drive thru window. I had to ask her if we could go into a private room. She willing complied. She asked Rick how he was this morning and Rick said, “This is not a good day.” When it was time for Rick to sign he had a very hard time. He couldn’t hold his hand still, it was shaking so badly. He tried to steady it with his left hand. He would get thru “Fred” and then stop and have to go back over it in his mind several times before he could go on. After several of these attempts he was finally able to complete his signature. It doesn’t look anything like his former fancy signature.

With that done, we headed for Mocksville to see Dr. Pearce. He was teary and crying all the way. I tried singing, hoping he would sing with me, but he wouldn’t. Tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn’t, or couldn’t.

I called Cade to see if we could enter at the back door instead of going in the waiting room. I didn’t think Rick’s old patients needed to see him in this state. While talking to Cade, Rick threw up his hands as if in despair. I felt he was thinking, “I knew this was going to happen.” Later on he said, “I didn’t think it would ever come to this.” Of course, when I asked him what he meant, he couldn’t tell me, or wouldn’t.

When Dr. Pearce saw Rick, apparently Rick told him that he thought I was going to leave him. Dr. Pearce was able to calm Rick down and when we left there Rick said, “I feel chipper.”
We then went to see an old patient of our, Cynthia English, who was in Davie County Hospital. We had a good lunch with her. Rick didn’t do much talking but occasionally cracked a joke. (He was always joking with her when he was treating her.)

This afternoon I had to do a training so I took Rick over to Cheryl’s to stay while I was gone. She reported that she had a good talk with Rick. He told her that he had thought that I was going to leave him. Of course she assured he that wasn’t the case. He said he was awful glad for Kasee (our dog) because she was the only one who would listen to him. Cheryl told him that she was always available and that Tamara and Erin were available, and that I was available.
We went to Tamara’s tonight for a Pampered Chef party. While riding there I asked him if he thought I wouldn’t listen to him. He said this morning “I didn’t know who my allies were. Then I asked if he thought I was not his ally. He said he wasn’t sure this morning. I asked if he felt I was going to leave him. He said, “I never really thought you would.” Then I explained that I loved him and was doing my best to take the very best care of him. He said, “I know you are.”
We had a very nice evening at Tamara’s and on the way home Rick said, “I think that function went very well.”

He went to bed when we got home and slept all night.

Footnote:

I called Dr. Pearce after we got home to get his take on Rick’s condition. He said he felt that Rick was more withdrawn than last visit and his ability to tell dates is down. He said that in some areas he was more progressed but he has a lot going for him. I asked him if he thought he needed some kind of medicine to help him with these teary spells. He said he could put him on Lexapro which he said was the best in the way of antidepressants. But he didn’t feel Rick really needed it at this time. He said he is eating well and sleeping well. These are two major signs of depression that Rick doesn’t have. So at this time we are not going to treat for depression.

Tamara: Wednesday--off duty

Well, we made it through two nights with Dad with no major issues. He was groggy in the mornings, but never anxious or scared or any of the other emotions Alzheimer's patients suffer. Cade and I got almost no sleep, because we were up all night listening for him to wake up and be scared, but it never happened. In fact, the most exciting thing that happened to us was that Dad had a nosebleed last night. That's much more comfortable to deal with than a seizure. I'm exhausted, but so grateful for the way things turned out. Mom will be home Thursday night, and then we can all breathe a bit easier.

Tamara: Babysitting my Father

Mom's out of town, so Cade, Mara, and I are moving in with Dad for the next two nights. Then, Cheryl does the following two nights. I should be able to get on the Net from their house, but it's really a matter of finding the time and keeping Dad busy.

I'm not really worried about anything happening. I mean, he's on anti-convulsant meds, now, and he has an anti-anxiety prescription, too. I'm sure he'll need that, as his anxiety since the seizure has only increased, and is especially pronounced when not with Mom. He's like a baby who doesn't realize he has his own identity--it's all wrapped up in Mom.

My aunt called and talked with me for about an hour last night. She wanted to thank me for taking care of Mom while she's taking care of Dad. She asked if Dad gets angry or violent, which he hasn't, really. The reason why that scares me is that you just can't ever tell with Alzheimer's. He can be calm and placid one minute, but if he gets scared and is defending himself, he could indeed be violent. But since the seizure, he's been less angry and has had fewer outbursts than before. He's just become rather pathetic, forlorn, lost, and anxious. Well, we'll all be there together. Mom suggested maybe Mara would want to sleep in the big bed with Dad, but Cade and I have reservations about that. If Mom were there, okay, but I can't risk whatever reaction it might trigger if Dad wakes up with her in the bed and no Mom to reassure him and he is disassociated.

But really, all those fears are speculation, and I'm sure I'll be able to report by Wednesday that all went well. At any rate, it can't really be any worse than the last time....could it?

Joyce's Journal January 6, 2006

Today was a much better day in general.

This morning Rick was teary at the breakfast table. He was trembling all over as though he was cold. I asked him if he was nervous. He said no. But I knew he was. After a little questioning he said, “I’m just missing you.” I said, “Well, I haven’t gone anywhere yet. And I will be right here when you get home tonight.” He said, “Oh, you will? That’s good.” I hugged and kissed him and he seemed much better.

Erin took him to the Center and I was able to get to my work. But I had some excursions planned today. I went to get my hair cut at 10 am which took an hour and then went to a support group meeting with Tamara at 12:15 pm. So I didn’t get a lot of work done this morning.

I asked Tamara if she would pick Rick up for me this afternoon so I could go home after the support group and concentrate on work. She agreed. As it turned out, it was 2:00 before the group disbanded. So I didn’t have much time to work this afternoon. But I feel as though I was able to get enough done to feel productive.

The support group was a good release. Everyone there had someone who had some sort of dementia. They gave us permission to cry and we, Tamara and I both, did. I didn’t so much when I was talking but as I was listening to the others. Just relating I guess. We received information about 2 different meetings for caregivers that I am going to attend. One is “Powerful Tools for Caregivers” which is 6 sessions on Tuesdays Jan 10 – Feb 14, 10:30 to 12:30. Cheryl is going to go with me. We can’t go to the first session because I will be in Houston next week. The other one is “Reaching Out and Helping Someone with Memory Problems: What’s Important!” It is February 23, 2006 and I’m hoping that all the girls will come with me to this one. I am looking forward to being a part of this support group that meets every Friday at noon.

Tamara asked to take me out to dinner tonight, so Cheryl agreed to have Rick over to her house for dinner. Tamara brought Rick home and got me and we took Rick to Cheryl’s. When they got here, Rick seemed to be quite happy and not nervous or anxious. Said he had a good day at the Center. I explained to him that Cheryl had invited him to supper and that Tamara and I were going to have a girl’s night out. He seemed to be fine with it.

Tamara and I went to Red Lobster and had a very nice dinner. We took our time and just talked. I was able to share my feelings and concerns with her. It was a great release. It was 9:30 – 10:00 pm before we got back to Cheryl’s house. Apparently Rick had done very well. Cheryl said he washed her dishes for her. That kept him busy and helped her out too.

When we got there we stood in her kitchen talking for a while. We laughed and Rick laughed with us. I can’t remember what was said but he was joking right along with us. It was a good feeling.

We went home and went to bed. Rick slept most of the night. Woke up about 5:30 and went to the bathroom. Came back to bed and went back to sleep. I didn’t. I lay awake thinking. Finally went back to sleep about 6:30 and slept until 8:00 am.

Joyce: January 5, 2006

Yesterday was a better day. Rick was at the Senior Center all day. That helped give me some relief.

I picked him up early because he had an appointment with the neurosurgeon at 3 pm. That seemed to be a waste of time. The doctor told us that the very small amount of hemorrhage he had did not need surgery and so his services were not needed. We knew that in the hospital. I don’t understand why we needed to see him. He wasn’t able to help me with any of my questions. Except that he said the small hemorrhage that Rick had would not cause any residual problems. I told him that Rick did have residual problems but he said they were not from the hemorrhage. He said it didn’t matter if the hemorrhage came first and caused the seizure or if the seizure caused the fall causing the hemorrhage. The fact is that Rick doesn’t need surgery. He said that the residual problems that Rick is having is neurological and we need to follow up with a neurologist. Of course, I told him that we did have an appointment with Dr. Pearce.
When we got home, Tamara and Mara were here. That was nice because Rick had others to be attentive to besides me.

After they left and I was getting supper, Rick said to me, “Well, after I cried myself to sleep last night.” I said, “I’m sorry you cried yourself to sleep.” I hugged and kissed him. (It was minutes in between the things he said.) Then he said, “So I told Debbie about my feelings.” I said, “What feelings did you tell her about? You won’t even tell me what your feelings are.” He laughed and said, “About how I’m missing you.” I said, “But I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m right here.” He laughed again. He said, “She told me that I could come over any time I wanted to.” I said, “Come over where?” He said, “To her house.” I said, “She said you could come over to her house?” He said, “Yes, Now I know I have a place to go if I need to.” I said, “As if you can’t come here.” He just laughed. I decided I would call today to see if this conversation really happened and exactly what the conversation was. I feel it is not exactly like he said.
Then Cheryl came and took him to church. I felt like I needed to get some more work done since I had been gone all afternoon. That gave me some more respite.

When Rick got home after church, we sat down to watch the Hallmark movie. He seemed to be much more relaxed. He didn’t get up and down like he had been doing over the weekend. We had some cheese and crackers and a bowl of ice cream. He seemed to get involved in the movie, but still went to sleep during it. But then so did I. We both woke up in time to finish it.
He went to bed last night and went right to sleep. I had to take his glasses off his face because he had fallen asleep before taking them off. He didn’t even stir when I took them off. He slept most of the night. Woke up about 5:30 am and I encouraged him to go back to sleep. He did as far as I know. I didn’t wake up again until about 7:15 am. I guess he had gotten up some time because when I got up I saw his pajamas lying in the bathroom. He took them off some time during the night.

Rick Maynard called this morning. He is going to come get Rick to go out to Talmadge Pruitt’s to help work on fences. I sure do appreciate Rick making this effort to give Rick something to do. I know Rick will have a good

Joyce's Journal January 5, 2006

Today has been a pretty easy day. Rick Maynard came to the rescue. Thursdays are the days that Rick is usually at home. So I was thinking that he was going to be in here with me most of the time. But Rick M. called asking if Rick wanted to hang out with him today. He was going to his father in law, Talmadge’s, to help him work on the fence and thought that Rick would enjoy that. Talmadge is the man who looked after our animals every time we went on vacation. He was a good friend to Rick.

This was a good outing for Rick and I was able to get more work done because I didn’t need to worry about what he was doing. When they came home about 5:30 or so, Rick M. had brought a big ladder and replaced the light bulbs in the spotlights that overlook the driveway. They are located just under the eaves and are 2 stories up. It is sure good to have a light there again. Thank you Rick Maynard.

The lawn mower was parked on the side walk in the back of the house and I wanted to get it out on the driveway. We were walking on the grass to go around the lawn mower to get to the dog’s water and food. It was killing the grass. Well, I tried to start the mower and it would start. Finally I decided to check the gas and sure enough it was empty. So I put some gas in it and tried to start it. It still wouldn’t start for me. So I had Rick M. try to start it. It started right away for him but then died. Then it wouldn’t turn over any more. It must be that I ran down the battery trying to start it on an empty tank. So Rick M and Rick C pushed the lawn mower out to the driveway. I am so glad to get it back where is belongs. We put the tarp over it and Rick M tied it down with bungee straps. Thank you again Rick Maynard. You have been a real blessing to Rick and me.

I am on the pulpit search committee for our church and tonight was our meeting. I haven’t been able to take Rick with me in the past because it was strictly confidential. But I felt that I shouldn’t leave Rick at home by himself, so I called our chairman to see if it would be alright to bring Rick. He said it was fine. So Rick went with me. He just sat and slept most of the time we were there. I’m sure he didn’t remember anything.

After we got home we ate a bit of supper, 10:00 pm. And I came in to check my email and do my journaling. Shortly Rick came in and sat down on the couch. I asked him if he was ready to go to bed. He said, “Any time.” So I got up and got the bed ready for him. I had to remind him of each step of taking off his clothes. I put each item away. Then I held the covers for him to climb in, kissed him good night and told him I would be in in a little while. He said ok and I haven’t noticed him up at all. I am sure he is very tired. He has not had much of a nap all day except at the meeting.

Cheryl took Rick to Church

Cheryl called with her experience last night taking Rick to church.

When he went out to get into her car he followed her around to her side of the car. She told him to go to the other side of the car. He walked past the passenger door and she had to get out to show him which door to use. He ended up walking completely around the car to finally get into the passenger seat.

Then as she pulled out of the driveway, Rick said, “I forgot to give her a kiss. I’ve been waiting all day to give her a kiss.” Cheryl said, “Why don’t you blow her a kiss.” He then opens the door and whistles for me. Cheryl said, “She can’t hear you, Dad.” So she backed up and came back to the driveway and opened the garage door. (I heard the garage door open and went downstairs immediately to see what they needed.) Cheryl thought that Rick would just kiss me through the window. But no. He got out of the car and put his arms around me and kissed me. Then he was content to go to church.

(The interesting thing is that he had kissed me in the house several times before Cheryl had gotten there.)

On the way to church, Cheryl asked Rick how his day went. He replied, “We were to more full … ca-pa-see … capacity. There were more people at the mental … center.” (First time we’ve heard him call the Senior Center the ‘mental center”.)

When they arrived at the church, Rick followed Cheryl down the hall to the Rainbows class where she left Emma. Usually he would go into the sanctuary and sit down. Then they went together to the sanctuary. Cheryl said Rick was fine there but seemed not to focus and was fidgety, changing positions frequently and fiddling with his glasses.

After church was over they went to pick up Emma and then came home. On the way Cheryl yawned and said, “I’m tired.” Rick said, “Me too. I’m worried about if I will have a way in the house tonight.” Cheryl told him that I was at home and he should be able to get in without a problem. He said, “Oh really? That’s a relief.” And then he relaxed.

Joyce: Weekend With Dad

January 4, 2006

This past weekend, New Year’s weekend, December 30, 2005 thru Jan 2, 2006, we went to be with Daddy and Aunt Phyllis. We left our house about 6:30 pm. Just before walking down the stairs to the garage, Rick started acting nervous and upset. He was uncertain as to where we were going. I explained that we were going to my dad’s house and that seemed to calm him down for a short time.

As we were traveling to Roanoke, he would say things like, “I just want to have my family around me.” Or “I want you to be with me.” I would try to reassure him that I was not going any where. It seemed to help him only for a short time and he would be anxious again. The first night at Daddy’s, we went to bed and he fell asleep right away. But about 3:30 am he was awake pushing the covers off him and starting to stand up. I would tell him, “Rick, it’s not time to get up. Get back in the bed.” And pull the covers back on him. Finally, I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom. He said yes. But he couldn’t figure out where to go. So I got up and went with him. We both emptied our bladders and then went back to bed. He went back to sleep.

About 5:30 am he was up again trying to get out of the bed. And then pacing back and forth in the room. Opening up the door to stick his head out and then closing it again. I kept asking him what was wrong but he couldn’t seem to answer me. I remembered that I had gotten a prescription from Dr. Pearce for Xanax that I had not filled. But I knew that my dad used Xanax too. So I went out to the kitchen to find Daddy’s Xanax. He had the .5 mg and Rick’s prescription was for .25 mg. So I took one pill and broke it in half and gave it to Rick. I urged him back to bed and he went back to sleep again until about 8:30 am.

Through out the day I noticed that he was not content to be away from me. Usually he would like to sit in the breezeway and watch TV. So I got the TV set up for him but he would not stay out there and watch it. Every where I went he would go too. Occasionally he would ask what was happening next. Of course, I would tell him what was happening. He would ask if I was going to be with him. I would tell him yes.

This went on all weekend. He went with Daddy to get the mail in Troutville. He was very unsure about going with Daddy since I wasn’t going too. Every time we got into the car he would ask what was happening. He would pace the floor, back and forth. Occasionally he would leave the table where we were talking and go to the chair in the living room and take a nap. Of course, I have to walk him thru everything he does. Taking his shower, getting dressed, and brushing his teeth. I get his cereal ready for him in the mornings, comb his hair, and pick out his clothes. He told someone, I believe it was Daddy, that he was very dependent on me. And that is the understatement of the year.

I was hoping that when we got back home and in his usual environment that he would get back to normal. But that has not been the case. We got home Monday morning about 11:00 am after stopping by the drug store to get his Xanax prescription filled. He has been following me around like a puppy dog ever since. He follows me and Kasee follows him. It is just the same. He sits in my office while I work. Gets up occasionally to look at my computer. I know he doesn’t take any of it in.

Yesterday, he did go out to rake for about an hour or so. That was good. But when he was in the house he was right with me. If I went to the kitchen he came in there. We would sit to watch TV, if I got up during a commercial, he would follow me.

Some time during the day he realized that I was talking to the girls about staying with him while I was gone to Houston next week. He said, “I think I can stay here by myself.” I told him that I didn’t think he could. What if something happened to him like what happened the last time I was gone. It would be bad if he were here all alone. He again said, “I know I can stay by my self.” I again said, “I know you can’t.” He was not happy with this.

We had Emma over yesterday evening while Cheryl and Jeremy went to dinner and a movie. Emma wanted to watch The Little Mermaid, which is on video and we had to go into the bedroom to use the TV in there that has a built in VCR. So Emma and I set up on the bed. I left Rick in the living room watching the Hallmark channel which has shows that he likes to watch. Shortly he came into the bedroom, looking at the bed like he wanted to sit down too. But there wasn’t enough room for him on the double bed so I suggested he get a chair to bring in there so he could watch too. He did.

When the movie was over, we went back out to the living room. Emma colored on the floor and we watched the Hallmark channel. Walker was on, Rick’s favorite program. Then Emma wanted to watch Little Drummer Boy, a DVD. I asked Rick if he was willing to go into the bedroom to finish watching his show so we could use the DVD player in the living room. He reluctantly agreed. Well, when I started to get out the DVD, it wasn’t in the case. So we couldn’t watch it. When I went in to get Rick to ask if he wanted to come back out to the living room, he was asleep on the bed. (I really don’t believe he gets anything out of the movies any more.)Well, Emma went home and Rick continued to follow me around the house. We finished watching the Hallmark 9:00 movie and then went into our bedroom to go to bed. I suggested he get ready for bed and I went into the guest room to get the chair out and turn off the TV. He followed me in there and then into the office as I put the chair away. Then out to the kitchen and back into the bedroom. All the while Kasee was following him. So we had a follow the leader of three.

I got in the bed and urged Rick to get in bed. He was pacing around the room. Finally he got on the bed and sat cross legged facing me. He said, “Is this the way it is going to be?” I asked him, “Is this the way what is going to be?” He said, “You and me.” I asked him, “What do you mean?” He couldn’t come up with an answer. So I said, “Rick, it is time to go to bed. Lay down and go to sleep.” So after sitting there for a little bit he lay down. I could hear him sniffling. Then he got up and started pacing again. I just laid there trying to go to sleep, hoping he would come to bed and go to sleep. He didn’t. So after 5-10 minutes of this, I got up, went and got a Xanax for him, and then led him to the bed, to help him lay down. He said, “I’m not going to let you go.” I told him, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. Now it is time to go to bed.” And I helped him lay down. I could hear the sniffling some but he did go on to sleep this time.

He actually didn’t wake up until 6:00 this morning. He got up and started fiddling with the bed covers. I said, “Well, it is time for you to take your shower.” He didn’t make any move to go to the shower. So I got up and started the shower for him and helped him get in. He got the shampoo and used it as bath soap. I had to tell him to use the regular soap on his body. Then he only washed his bottom and under arms. Then I had to tell him to wash his hair. Then I handed him the towel to dry.

As usual, I got his underclothes together and put them on the sink for him to put on. Put his pants and shirt on the door knob. He was then able to get dressed slowly. He did remember to put on deodorant.

I was hoping he would be feeling better this morning. But he had a hard time reading our devotional because he kept choking up. I asked him if he was anxious this morning and he said “No.” But I ended up giving him a Xanax before he left to go to work. He hugged me and kissed me good bye like he wasn’t going to see me again for a long time.

Erin said that as she was taking him to the center, she tried to ask him what was going on and he couldn’t answer her. He finally said, “I’m sad for Mom.”

I am so glad he is gone to the center today. I need a break. I will go pick him up early today to take him to see Dr. Ellis, the neurosurgeon, who is going to check out the hemorrhage. I was told that the seizure would not cause his Alzheimer’s to become worse, but it is definitely worse. I hope that it will get better, that this is all temporary and will improve as he recovers from the seizure and hemorrhage. I’m getting very frustrated with this behavior and having difficulty handling it.

I have to go to Houston on Monday, January 9, 2006. I know that is part of what he is concerned about. The girls are graciously figuring out how to keep him supervised. They are great and willingly taking on this responsibility. I hate to have to put this on them. I know it is going to be more than they want to handle.